To Heal and Not to Hurt

Today’s blog comes from our coordinator, Jaime! Jaime is a crafty mom of three. She has been married for eight years. This is her fifth year in Mops.

Talk about conviction. That was the second time I had heard Lisa TerKeurst talk on conflict. Listening to her talk twice was good for me. No. Strike that. It was great for me. Hi, my name is Jaime, and I am an exploding stuffer. But what struck me was which one I am with which people in my life. With my children, I am an exploder and with my husband I am a stuffer. 
I am normally a say-it-like-it-is kind of girl. My parent’s mantra for me growing up was, “it may be the truth, but is it said in love?” So you can guess my surprise when according to Lisa I am a stuffer. 
After thinking through her talk, I realize why I am the way I am. As Lisa put it “Conflict usually has feelings all wrapped up in it”. My children oppose me when they disobey me (insert my sin of pride) and my husband exposes my sin that I’ve so desperately tried to hide (which is never comfortable).  As I look at both scenarios, I see a common thread in the equation: ME. 
I’m the issue. I let myself ruin my own communication by either exploding (which is not communicating) and stuffing (which is not communicating). Who suffers? Who suffers the most? I DO!!! On both counts. 
The night of the DVD, I spoke to my husband and let it out. No more stuffing. Did I explode? Nope. Was there communication? Yup! Did I discover things that I don’t like about myself and areas that need work? ABSOLUTELY! But was it good? Was it beneficial to my marriage relationship with my husband? You bet! Actual communication took place and that was so nice. So. Nice. We were able to talk through a lot of things that I had been stuffing and we learned and grew from it. Together. 
I’ve realized, because of Lisa’s talk, that if I have better reactions in conflict, I will have better relationships. This works for both my kids and my husband. I need to explode less and communicate more with my children. I need to stuff less and communicate more with my husband. And in reality, it will be a win-win for all parties involved. What I need to do is keep my eyes on The Lord, pause, and take perspective. And with that perspective I will see that my feelings are indicators and not dictators. I don’t have to embrace my conflict indicators. I can overcome them with prayer, a relationship with The Lord, and perspective of what He would want from me. Proverbs 12:18 says: There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, But the tongue of the wise brings healing.   
I want to do that for my family. I want to bring healing not hurt. So I am going to work on it. Daily. Hourly. By the minute if the situation calls for it. Because my family deserves it. 
What are some ways you can pause and take perspective?

6 thoughts on “To Heal and Not to Hurt

  1. Just like I send my kids to their room to go cool off, I send myself somewhere to cool off as well before “communicating”. It doesn't always work though…maybe I should start sending myself somewhere else to cool off? Hawaii maybe? Yup, that might work:)

  2. I am working on it, too. My obstinate toddler already knows how to push my buttons. I am trying so hard to rewire those buttons to elicit a more gentle response so that she can grow up to learn how to effectively communicate…not to explode like mommy. I am a work in progress.

  3. I need to remember to pray on everything… One of the mommy's at my table shared that she has learned to pray before doing anything ex: complaining venting or screaming… I found that to be the best advice because if I take it to my Savior first of course He will guide me to which way is the best… I am a stuffer then I explode on my poor husband. I need lots of work that's for sure. I'm so thankful for these blogs, lessons, and mommy friends that can relate to me!

  4. Thank you so much Jaime for sharing honestly and openly from your heart! Your message was encouraging! I really needed to hear Proverbs 12:18 right now. In fact, I have plans to change my Q.T. plan to read the book of Proverbs for much needed wisdom! From Diane Trebilcock…I don't have any of the profile accounts listed so I'm just going to insert my name here as the best I can choose is Anonymous.

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